The Cowboys are mess. You know this, your friends know this and your dog has probably been rolling around on his back and shaking lately because he knows this (or he's hungry/has to pee). The Rangers are tied 1-1 with the Yankees in the ALCS. So why on this green Earth am I writing my first post since Oct. 8 on the Cowboys and not the Rangers? Because I felt like reliving the game through me and my buddy Jeff's text conversation during the game. Jeff is the hardest of hardcore for the Cowboys. But he isn't a blatant homer - he calls it like it is, he just knows his football and knows the roster like his favorite iTunes playlist. So without further ado, we start just after Roy Williams scored the first TD for the Cowboys in the first quarter (sorry for the texting grammer in advance):
5:02 first quarter: Roy Williams TD gives Dallas 7-0 lead
Me: "So even if the Cowboys win, they're still 2-3. This sucks."
Jeff: "Josh this right here is why I hate you a little bit. Let me enjoy this one touchdown we get today before the Vikings dline eats out oline on their way to raping and then eating romo."
Me: (After a long "haha" stretch) "I'm sorry. By the way, is Roy Williams being good at football?"
(Note: legit question. For some reason this year Roy Williams is looking like someone who is good at football, as opposed to someone who is very bad at football)
Jeff: "I'll never believe it (I started wearing my Roy Williams jersey again)"
Me: "Haha. And if Romo gets raped let it at least be Allen or the Williams duo. Don't let that sh*t Edwards sack him 28 times." (As you can tell, I'm real classy when I text my buddies)
Doug Free then completely freezes as the ball is snapped, misses the snap, and Allen rolls over Romo for a sack
Me: "Wow Doug Free. Eat my *rhymes with "dock"*
Jeff: "Yeah f*ck that guy. And as you just saw it was Allen that got the raping."
Me: "BTW, I bet the Vikings/Cowboys are the best Madden teams ever."
Greg Camarillo scores a touchdown, beating Orlando Scandrick, which a paraplegic could do, to tie the game at 7-7 at the end of the first quarter.
Jeff: "I hate my life."
Jeff: (Getting to my Madden text since Camarillo's TD interrupted him) "Haha, btw I bought Madden yesterday. Finally fell off the wagon."
Me: "Hahaha. How is it? I still don't have it." (I'm very jovial in my texts. I enjoy laughing through texts.)
Jeff: "Only had time to play one game so far. It's weird. Going to take some getting used to. Good news is I played cowboys v. Vikings and we won. Big time."
Miles Austin breaks what would of been a 50+ yard TD
Me: (being snarky) "dude why did we pay Miles Austin? He's such a one hit wonder."
Austin is flagged for offensive pass interference
Me: "WTFFFFFF"
Me: "Dammnit"
Jeff: ":("
Jeff: "I waited to celebrate, they threw that flag so late!"
One of the many Cowboy screen attempts fails miserably thanks to a hapless offensive line
Me: "I know! It was a good call though. And can we try out for cowboys o line? I think we can help."
Jeff: "Harwood bteam oline was much better." (Harwood was our Jr. High. There was an A team and B team. Yep, we were B team offensive linemen.)
Some penalty occurs, lost track since there were 23982039
Me: "Alright. This is pissing me off"
Jeff: "F*ck every coach on this staff."
Me: "And f*ck Jerry a bit for hiring coaches with no spine." (Note: on second though, f*ck Jerry a lot)
Jeff: "Seriously man. F*ck this shit."
The Cowboys are driving to end the half thanks to some semblance of a running game. Romo has had two long runs out of scrambling.
Me: "At least we're sorta running."
Jeff: "Romos running that's cool, we'll get to the two and buehler will miss the fg."
(Note: It's unbelievable how little faith the Cowboys or its fans have in David Buehler. It's about as much faith the kid in "Liar, Liar" has in Jim Carrey at the beginning of the movie)
Me: "Probably. I love when the o line celebrates a Romo run. Even though it's their fault he had to take off in the first place."
Jeff: "Yeah, they're just taking what they can get at this point."
Roy Williams scores his second TD on a beautiful throw on the slant route to put the Cowboys up 14-7 heading to the locker room.
Me: "HOLY SH*T. ROY WILLIAMS."
Jeff: "I PICKED THAT DUDE UP IN MY FANTASY LEAGUE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO BAD AFTER THAT."
Me: "Can we not call him bad at football anymore? I'm scared. That was our fall back joke."
Jeff: "I'm so scared! This is just... NOOO"
Right before the second half starts
Me: "So are we winning this game or are we going to sh*t the bed?"
Jeff: "That bed will have copious amounts of sh*t in, on and around it."
Percy Harvin takes the opening kick off to the house, score tied at 14-14.
Jeff: "Told ya."
Me: "Time to change the sheets. It's stinky."
Jeff: "Putrid. I'm miserable."
Me: "There always has to be something in DFW sports-wise to make us miserable."
Jeff: "Yeah, and since the rangers are the team doing well it requires severe balancing with misery."
Cowboys get backed up inside their own five yard line towards the end of the third quarter
Me: (Sarcastically) "I feel really good about this drive. It's really going to go places."
Cowboys putter around for three plays and punt from their own end zone
Jeff: "Great places."
Cowboys head to the fourth quarter down 21-14. Start a drive and go for it on fourth and one in field goal range. Barber picks up the first down.
Me: "I'm glad we can at least get a first down since we have no faith in our FG kicker."
Jeff: "Haha seriously. Glad we have faith in him to not replace him but not enough to use him."
Romo throws his 99823972 swing pass to Felix Jones on the flank route
Jeff: "I think Jason Garrett got really into the song "swing swing" this week."
Same drive, Cowboys getting closer
Me: "Wait. WTF. Did Romo play-action that to nobody??"
(Note: He really did. Romo does a play action to no one in particular. The RB went on a route immediately and the FB set up to block. I have no idea what that was)
Jeff: "Yes. Didn't fool ya?"
Dez Bryant scores a 31-yd TD on a spectacular throw/catch. Romo puts the right to his hands but the Vikings corner catches up to get his hands in the way. Bryant takes it anyway and scores
Me: "DEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
Jeff: "HES SO UNCOWBOY LIKE"
Me: "BTW, screens don't work when A.) You run them every other play and B.) Your offensive linemen run like Vlad Guerrero."
Jeff: "Don't give them that. They're all bengie molinas and you know it."
Me: ":( at least that Ray Lewis Old Spice commercial was awesome."
Jeff: "These are the kinds of things you have to appreciate when you're a cowboy fan."
With the game tied and the clock under 10 minute mark, Minnesota runs a screen play on third down that goes absolutely no where
Me: "I'm glad Jason Garrett called that play for the Vikings."
Jeff: "Haha he walked over there and went 'celeb playcall?'"
Me: "And he nailed it."
Jeff: "Oh you know he fist pumped afterward."
Romo throws a back-breaking interception as he tries to go to Jason Whitten over the middle. Middle linebacker faked the blitz and then dropped back to pick it off. Romo never saw him
Me: "You know I love Romo. But these interceptions are really busting my balls."
Jeff: "I didn't see last game but as far as I'm concerned only 1 today is his fault."
Me: "I know. But that last one really steamed me."
(Note: Me and Jeff are pretty big Romo-Homos. Mainly because the Cowboys QB situation before him featured a crack head, some obscure white guy, a guy that used to be good for Michigan and then a 75 year old veteran. I count my blessings for Romo, because the Cowboys could be way, way worse)
Jeff: "Yeah, that one was a dagger. But come on man it was tied we had to do something to eff it all up."
Vikings take the short field after the INT, looking to drive home for a TD. Already in field goal range
Me: "Chances we old them to a field goal?"
Jeff: "-100000000000000%"
Me: "Field goal! and Alan Ball made a play! What next? Leonard Davis makes a good block on a screen?"
Jeff: "I'll tell ya what's next: cowboys drive to the 10, buehler misses tying field goal as time expires, Jerry immediately expresses support for buehler."
(Note: Man, you'd think we are Cleveland fans)
Me: "How about the 3,000 swing pass to Felix Jones?"
Jeff: "get ready for 3001"
Cowboys driving, need to convert a third down with about three minutes left to keep drive alive
Me: "Seriously? That's how it is going to end? Dez has hands bigger than the Seinfield man hands chick."
Jeff: "Okay were punting. We have 2 timeouts and they have Adrian Peterson. This game is over."
Jeff: "I'm miserable."
Vikings take over, need to convert a first down to end game
Me: "But they have Brad Childress."
Jeff: "The Vikings are us in training. They're trying their best to underachieve and blow games, but they just can't outblow the masters."
On a third down with under three minutes to go, Michael Jenkins is called for pass interference
Me: "There's the poop cherry on top of our sh*t sundae."
Jeff: "GO RANGERS."
Vikings punt away to the Cowboys
Me: "We're fine. We only have 13 seconds to go 8 million yards."
Me: "WTF ROY WILLIAMS."
Ballgame. Cowboys lose 24-21 to the Vikings
Jeff: "I want to die."
Me: "Would it make you feel any better if I took our entire convo this game and made it a blog post?"
Jeff: "It would probably be worth the loss."
***
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